Don't be Pressured by a Date Change

Watching the 2015 retrospection of blog posts, picture collages and status updates made me question:

 What do I have to say that isn't just noise?

This is what I came up with...

The calendar will change to a new day, month and year or maybe already has as you read this. Traditionally this is a time of reflection and resolution. It's the end of one year and the beginning of another. Naturally people feel hopeful about what lies ahead and may even resolve to be different, to do differently. The world celebrates a new calendar year with parties, tributes and fireworks. It's a big deal.

The noise I am adding to the atmosphere goes against the grain because it's where I am at. I post when I have something to say, so today, this is what I have to say even though it will be wildly unpopular.

Fighting to Stay at ' 5 '

This time of year sees many of us looking back over the last 12 months and celebrating and/or lamenting our gains and losses. Most of my year was a struggle physically and emotionally. I have been low and I have been high. There have been many things that I am grateful for but somehow these things managed to be book-ended by injury and depression. Most of this year has felt like a balancing act. Slowly I have made my way, one foot in front of the other with arms lifted straight out at my sides to keep from falling over the edge. The motto this year has been 'no sudden movements'. I knew if I didn't make any abrupt or spontaneous decisions that I could avoid causing too much damage.

At STWM 2015 photo Edison Yao

If I seemed different or unlike myself this year, I was...I am. I have felt like a shadow of myself, dark and hollow. I tried to go through the motions, to 'act' like myself and some days it worked and others it didn't. I am inside myself and I find it hard to get out of me. It takes a lot of effort to stay right where I am and not get any lower. If the best version of me is a '10' then most of this year I have been a '5' at best and a '3' at worst. I am fighting to be a '5'.