Changing My Shoes

Changing My Shoes

Backstory

The saying, 'running gives back what you put in' is absolutely true. Over a 5 year period I ran countless hours and kilometres to distract myself from the relentless pull of addiction. Running was the only thing that spoke loudly enough to my soul to dull the noises in my head that said 'you need a drink'. I credit those voices that worked hard to lure me back and celebrate my failure, for making me a better runner. The harder they tried to get me to pour that first drink that would be the beginning of the end, the harder I ran. When I found myself particularly vulnerable to relapse, I focused even more on becoming a better runner. It seemed that the farther I ran the quieter the voices became and the faster I pushed the more control I had over their influence.

Today I celebrate six years sobriety. Six years without a drink. Six years of avoiding or leaving social situations where it seems everyone has a drink in their hand. The tendency to avoid being in the same room as a bottle of wine or case of beer was not necessarily because I felt weak to the alcohol but because the life I left behind was fun and a good and increasing buzz was part of that. I am a natural socializer. I like people and I most definitely liked them more when I was drunk, and at times I just plain missed the whole dynamic, the rituals and routines of going to a party. Six years...six years older...six years better and definitely six years wiser. I also truly believe that I am six years younger rather than older.

Over the past six years so many things have changed and continue to evolve to support my sobriety. I changed my job, my diet, my hair colour, and most recently my address. I had a therapist tell me that we spend the first five years of our sobriety finding out who we are and learning about ourselves. This seems true to me. As I reflect upon the past five years of running and the community of runners who supported me, (some who have become people I will always stay in touch with), I can see that I was definitely in the right place at the right time. I will always credit running and the community for my sobriety and for helping me to get to know my sober self. Through running, I found passion. The passion for the sport inspired me to become a goal setter and a goal achiever.

I have learned to persevere, to not give up, to keep moving, to keep looking forward, to make it to the next marker, to slow if I must but never give up, to control my thoughts, to do the work, to not complain, to be grateful for my physical ability, to compete with myself, to avoid comparisons. The things I have gained from being a committed runner, who at one point was coached by two different Canadian Men's Marathon Champions, are endless. I have learned so much from so many people and from myself. I learned that the will and strength to keep moving forward was already in me, it had just been doused in alcohol for most of my adult life and part of my teenage years. The words tattooed on my inner forearm weren't put there haphazardly. The words 'Just Don't Stop' are my version of Dory's 'Just keep swimming' and these 3 words have a deeper meaning to me than the ink they are set in. Running has reminded me that I will get there if I just don't stop.

2016...Where Did You Go?

This past year I took a break from training. A running injury in late 2015 gave me reason and time to defer goal setting in 2016. I spent time the first couple months of 2016 doing very little running and spending more time in the gym. It was my thinking, that when I was ready to set and pursue new running goals, I would do it from a place of physical strength, and truthfully my coach, physiotherapist and chiropractor had been encouraging this for years. I always intended to be committed to strength training but I just never made it fit into my running/work/family/life schedule.

In April 2016, a shift happened. I don't know what changed or why it changed but all I wanted to do was be in the gym and grow. I ran less knowing that the kind of running I was used to doing would make it hard to gain real muscle mass and I was completely ok with scaling back on the road work. While I had never devoted the time I should have to strengthening my runners body, I was no stranger to the gym. When I was a kid, both my parents lifted heavy and my Mom competed in bodybuilding. As a teenager and young adult, I spent time in the gym lifting but my first love was drinking and as such I didn't really stick with anything I did. The new passion and fire burning in me to lift was not, historically speaking, an entirely new undertaking.

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As 2016 progressed, I was in the gym 5-6 days per week and I saw changes. I loved what I saw and how strong I felt. Then something else happened. The competitive drive that I have always had started to fire up. I became curious and interested in what competing in the sport would look like for me. I watched hours of YouTube videos of women competing in bikini and figure divisions of bodybuilding shows. At first the feminist in me was mortified at the concept of putting on a rhinestone encrusted bikini, clear resin stripper heels, drag queen makeup, a fake tan and parading myself around a stage to be judged. I thought, I cannot do that, my beliefs wouldn't allow it...but I kept watching. I kept watching because leading up to judgement day for these women, were countless hours of preparation in the gym and the kitchen. I saw beyond show day to the commitment, dedication, hard work, and passion that the show was meant to highlight. The show, the judgment and the rhinestones were seeming less ridiculous to me as I saw it for the celebration it was. It was race day for the athletes, the tools to highlight their hard work were just different than the accessories a runner uses. It was when I saw beyond the obvious that I knew I wanted it.

2017...

The goals for 2017 are on paper. I am a bikini competitor in the making. The gym is my playground, sugar is my enemy. I have coaches who have me covered with workout and diet plans. I also have the invaluable lessons I learned as a runner which are transferable to anything I decide to do. Running was a very special sport for a time in my life that I needed it but there are other things I can pursue with passion that will support my continued pursuit to be better than I was 6 years ago. I still run but nothing like the 15, 20, 30k or farther that I used to tackle. My footfalls on the pavement are much fewer and sweeter these days to make room for my new gym passion.

...and so, at least for this year, I am...Changing My Shoes.

Watch me work and see me grow at my new blog spot

www.changingmyshoes.blogspot.ca

Loving 'Mil-dread'

Tamara and I after last Sunday's run

*disclaimer: I realize not everyone houses a TM in their dining room or basement, as is more common amongst fitness enthusiasts. This post, as with all of my other 
natter-ings in no way judges you and your choices and habits, it simply tells the story of my life and the way I live it. Run on friends whether it be on the roads or the TM. 
~Christa


Rebuild 2016 is going well. My hip and back pain are under control which has made running less of a chore than it had become. I am keeping the kilometres low, cross training and doing strength work. I would like to brag about how sensible, patient and reserved I am being, but the reality is, just this week I graduated to running the entire 5k without walk breaks so at this point, I couldn't be wild and dangerous with my running if the devil himself was chasing me. My fitness has taken a blow over the past 6 months, so this really is a rebuilding period. At one time, this would have shamed me but today, all I see when I fix my gaze and all I hear playing over and over in my head is 'strength'.
I don't care if right now my 'long' run is only 10k. That 10k isn't flipping to 11 until I feel good about each and every kilometre I run. When my watch reads 11k it will be because I am strong enough to do it. It won't take long, things are feeling better each week.

The Hip Bone's Connected to the...

Early last week my back started bothering me. By Thursday it was really bothering me. I couldn't get comfortable sitting, standing or laying for any length of time. On Friday it was bloody worse. I couldn't move too quickly in any direction without it spasming. At best the discomfort was 4/10, which is tolerable but at worst it was 8/10, which was not ok and let me tell you I can take pain. I have grit my teeth, bit my lip and white knuckled through birthing two babies out my vagina (at separate times) without epidurals... Here I should add that even though I did this in no way am I a hero. I arrived at the hospital too late into the labor process to get an epidural before I shot the kids out (again, separate experiences). I know I am trying to prove how tough I am here but for full disclosure sake I should admit that while I was pregnant, had anyone told me that I would be pushing a watermelon sized kid out of my lady region without the assistance of being fully frozen in this same region, I would have said 'Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back this bus up! I am tapping out.' The plan was always to say 'yes" to the epidural but it didn't work out that way so truthfully since then, I fancy myself a bit of a bad ass in the pain tolerance department...now back to our original drama of back pain.

Sidelined with Back Pain

I coud no longer tolerate the blasted pain in the back so I mercifully and with some shame, washed up on my Chiropractor's doorstep. With shame? Yes with shame because I am a shoddy, inconsistent patient and over the years have fallen off routine visits and instead only show my face when something is wrong (my words, not his). This causes me shame because I know better. I know that by the time something is a problem and by the time there is pain, the problem is so much bigger...a problem that may have been avoided by routine maintenance. 

As I slumped my way into his treatment room I was greeted not with a lecture but with a warm, genuine hug and a 'What's up?', hardly the treatment I deserved but he is not the the type to cross his arms and say 'I told you so', lucky for me.

Don't be Pressured by a Date Change

Watching the 2015 retrospection of blog posts, picture collages and status updates made me question:

 What do I have to say that isn't just noise?

This is what I came up with...

The calendar will change to a new day, month and year or maybe already has as you read this. Traditionally this is a time of reflection and resolution. It's the end of one year and the beginning of another. Naturally people feel hopeful about what lies ahead and may even resolve to be different, to do differently. The world celebrates a new calendar year with parties, tributes and fireworks. It's a big deal.

The noise I am adding to the atmosphere goes against the grain because it's where I am at. I post when I have something to say, so today, this is what I have to say even though it will be wildly unpopular.

Fighting to Stay at ' 5 '

This time of year sees many of us looking back over the last 12 months and celebrating and/or lamenting our gains and losses. Most of my year was a struggle physically and emotionally. I have been low and I have been high. There have been many things that I am grateful for but somehow these things managed to be book-ended by injury and depression. Most of this year has felt like a balancing act. Slowly I have made my way, one foot in front of the other with arms lifted straight out at my sides to keep from falling over the edge. The motto this year has been 'no sudden movements'. I knew if I didn't make any abrupt or spontaneous decisions that I could avoid causing too much damage.

At STWM 2015 photo Edison Yao

If I seemed different or unlike myself this year, I was...I am. I have felt like a shadow of myself, dark and hollow. I tried to go through the motions, to 'act' like myself and some days it worked and others it didn't. I am inside myself and I find it hard to get out of me. It takes a lot of effort to stay right where I am and not get any lower. If the best version of me is a '10' then most of this year I have been a '5' at best and a '3' at worst. I am fighting to be a '5'.

I Shouldn't Even...But I Will

Well here it is, marathon weekend in Toronto.

Most of this year has been a running struggle. My body has felt tired and weak. I haven't been able to stay clear of aches, pains and strains. It felt like each time I began to feel strong again, something would resurface or something new would present.
The acute Achilles tendon injury I experienced in the Spring has gotten better but left over is bilateral Achilles tendinitis that bothers me all of the time and I just live with it and run with it as I haven't taken the down time to let it heal.
My hips, the right side especially, are achy and sore and stiff much of the time. The odd day, after physio they feel better but after a day or two the pain creeps back.
My left calf bugs me off and on. There's a strain in there but it, like my other complaints, irritates me enough to be uncomfortable but doesn't worsen with running, so I have carried on.

Magic Mike

This post was originally published on the iRun website November 2012.

I thought it deserved another look today, as Mike and I celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.

Because I am a strong, empowered woman, I could live without him, but I wouldn't want to have to.

Love is not measured in affirmations of not being able to live without someone, it's about who you are with someone. I might be fine in the world without Mike but I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I like who I am with Mike by my side.

My husband, Mike has tolerated my shenanigans for 18 years. Someone, somewhere should give him an award because even sober, I am a handful. He has endured much over the years, and in the moment, it would seem as though he is irritated, annoyed or unimpressed with my latest scheme, but I think in general, he likes my creative approach to life.

Mike met me drunk, in a bar... <shrugs shoulders> what can I say; it was the beginning of a theme.

At the Zoo

Canada Running Series, as an organization has been a friend to me and from that relationship I have been blessed with several other individual friendships. It is true and not just lip service when I say, as the years have passed I have been made to feel like family.

Jenna of CRS and I at Party Site

I have the best imaginable relationship with CRS. It's like being a second cousin who lives far away. Second cousins (especially ones who live out of town) are removed from the day to day activities and stresses that the nuclear family navigates. The core of the family collaborates, negotiates, plans and hosts events. The extended family (if kept in good graces), gets invited to the celebrations and delights in the execution of all the planning.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

It keeps time with my foot falls, never silent, never still, as long as I just don't stop.

It mirrors my cadence; keeps measure with my steps, never faster, never slower. 

It sounds steady, consistent and true, like a heartbeat of sorts.

When I begin to hurt and unravel and the cracks of doubt begin to widen, its persistence reels me back.

If I just don't stop, its measure is with me, softly comforting me, refocusing me, distracting me, encouraging me, like it's her voice.

How Mary Kay Will Help Me BQ

Cleanser, moisturizer? Foundation, concealer? Perfume, cologne?

I used to be a Mary Kay Consultant...Yes, I was, for realzzz, no joke.

The bizarre part of being involved in the MK culture was that it was a 'dry' society, as in alcohol free and at the time I was anything but an abstainer.

I Don't Need Easy

How do I know it's real?

I know it is in my blood, my bones and my breath because I can't sleep and when I finally do drift off, the moment I wake, it is my first thought. I am afflicted with it; infected by it.

This is how I know it will happen.

I don't need easy; I just need do-able

It is a fine thing to be a dreamer; to have wistful thoughts of what might happen someday. We have to have dreams, otherwise what's the point of anything we do. We need to believe that there are possibilities for us that speak to our hearts. 

As I said, dreams are fine and for 2 years I have dreamed of qualifying for the Boston Marathon.

Goodbye My Friend

"Can I put you on hold for a minute?" the receptionist asked.

What came out of my mouth was,

"Sure"

but what my mind screamed was,

"NO! No, you can't put me on hold! It has taken me months to make this phone call and if you put me on hold now, I might hang up. Please just talk to me now. Please don't give me time to reconsider, please!"

"Hi? Christa? Sorry to keep you waiting. Yes, we have an appointment available on Friday at 4:20pm with Dr.______. Would that work for you and your family? We were also wondering if you had thought about aftercare? Would you like to take Ollie home with you after or have his body cremated?"

Alone together

Around the Bay 2015

Running is a solo sport no matter how many people are on your team or in your crew or group. People will argue this idea but at it's most basic form, running consists of putting one foot in front of the other and no one on your team can do that for you.

How deep is your bravery buried?

Today I was texting with my lifelong friend, Paula and our conversation was about risk taking. She said to me,

Alone at my hotel

 'Yes, but you are brave and I am not.'

...when I read that, it stopped me and made me think...

I told her that she was brave too; her bravery was just buried a bit deeper within her than mine. I thought some more...

Outrunning Guilt; 4 Sober Years

Our action or inaction can set in motion a cascade of negative internal feelings; one of which is guilt.
In my experience, guilt is a currency used to pay for our transgressions and time determines when the debt is paid in full.

We feel guilty for as long as we are meant to in order to pay off the debt of our choices. The length of time we feel guilty is a measure of how significant the breech is. A slight misstep produces short lived guilt and the debt is paid but a trip and fall event will see guilty thoughts and feelings linger longer before the books are balanced.

Pace, Pride and Perseverance at STWM2014

"Don't judge each day by the harvest that you reap but by the seed that you plant."

~Robert Louis Stevenson

It's easy to feel small, even insignificant standing shoulder to shoulder with runners waiting to start a race that boasts 26,000 participants; that's a lot of bodies and nearly twice as many feet. For someone running their first race at the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon (STWM) the electricity in the air can stir up even more anxiety than is typical at a race start. Even those who find themselves repeating this event can feel like  small fish in a big sea. This event is loved by a lot of runners.

At the start...

I stood in my start corral, among these runners, as I did last year when I ran my first marathon. This year a few things were different though. The corral color was different, for one. I had trained my ass off under the watchful eye of my coach, Rejean Chiasson at Pace and Mind and as such had made huge improvements in my fitness and subsequent pace times. I had some confidence in my ability as this would be my third marathon in a year. The goal I had set of a sub 4 hr finish was lofty, but reachable if the formidable running gods found me in their favor. I stood knowing I  would run a massive personal best time even if I didn't cross the finish at 3:59:xx. Last year I debuted as a marathoner at this race in a time of 4:51:xx; with all the hard work I did over the season my time would be better than that. The most important thing that was different this time, though was that my friend of more than 35 years, Laurie Ruyter, stood along side me in that corral, readying herself for her first half marathon.

My Past Her Future

"You weren't around for the first eight years of my life"

She said these words at breakfast while reading the paper. The statement was born into the room with the same 'matter of fact-ness' as though she had just commented on the weather. Asperger's does this. She's about the straight up facts, not the emotions. She didn't lift her beautiful blue eyes from the page; to her, this was not shocking or scandalous, it was just her reality. She wasn't laying blame she was just pointing out the obvious.

Checking in...

The training cycle for Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon is moving along. I am feeling better out on the roads than I have in more than 7 months. I feel strong, healthy and confident about my abilities. My coaching relationship with Rejean and Pace and Mind is going really well and as a result #stwm is looking like it will be a good race for me.

As the weekly km total increases, so does the wear and tear on our feet. In honor of losing another toenail (which brings the current 'missing toenail' tally to 4) please enjoy the following post from the archives.

http://www.irun.ca/blog/index.php/a-girl-and-her-feet/

Mountain Growth

 Easy does not change us; tough is where growth happens. Yesterday I grew by leaps and bounds, literally. In retrospect, the Northface EnduranceChallenge half marathon at Blue Mountain, in Collingwood may have been ambitious for my first exposure to off road running. It was the kind of race that experienced trail runners called challenging. I called it just plain hard.

With the completion of hard things comes a sense of pride. The harder something is that you stick through; the feeling of pride is multiplied exponentially. I headed out for the hardest run of my life to endure all that the Collingwood mountain terrain could throw at me. What I didn't know was that the landscape would get thrown in front of me again and again and again. The triumph of any given climb was short lived as another was waiting around the corner or on the other side of the forest.

Running Home, Not Alone

In the past I have written about my preference for being a solo runner. I have shared how following my own schedule and not allowing my running to be bound by a group running itinerary has worked for me. I am disorganized; fly by night and without pattern to my lifestyle. The only schedule in my life is my work schedule and that is not even consistent from one week to the next, so the thought of waiting for the clock to say a certain time to run has never appealed to me. Running on my own timetable and fitting my runs in between family and work without having to plan for a running timetable is less stressful for me.