Desire and the De-hydration Station

Have you ever noticed that the moment you realize you cant have something, you want it even more?

 A shift in thinking takes place from previously feeling somewhat ambivalent about said desire to feeling like you cant go on without it. If you have been following along since my inaugural post for the iRUN blog contest, you know that  the desirous object of mention, for me, is alcohol. For anyone who doesn't know my history, I am a past drinker with  two years and four months sobriety to my name. I run instead of drinking.

Last Sunday, I ran the Goodlife Toronto Half Marathon and the object of my usual want and desire took a back seat.

 My coach, Greg advised me to take it easy on the course as my training was in a phase of rebuilding and had not been speed driven. I had no problem with the plan as I knew I was going to at least be running faster and more freely than the slow training runs I had been doing.

Typically for distances greater than 10k, I use a hydration belt. For this race I decided against the belt as it feels cumbersome and restrictive around my waist and I just wanted to feel light and free. I also reasoned that I was not going to be aiming for a personal best, so it was fine to be losing a bit of time using the hydration stations on the course.

Mistake!

Even with an 8:30am start time, the day was quickly heating up and the sun's UV rays could be felt. I wasn't concerned because I knew I wasn't going to be pushing myself hard in the race. Approaching the first water station, I planned to grab and go and not to worry about the extra time it took to dodge people and flying cups(I am, after all, an experienced bar girl). I was surprised when I realized that runners were at a full stop and even worse, had formed a line to get a drink. As I looked closer, I saw that each cup was being filled and given to the waiting runner. I was immediately reminded of "last call" at the bar, same scene, different vice, but in this case I'm not leaving a tip. If I was concerned with time, I would have flashed some cash to get served quicker.

The station was wiped out of pre-filled cups and the volunteers were working frantically to pass out water, but the demand was too great for them to get ahead. So, one by one we got our fluids and moved on. Many people seemed frantic;checking their clocks and speeding away.I was fine. No pressure to perform today. I was just along for a great Sunday run.

Each station I came to had the same problem with back log. Again, I handled it without getting anxious. As the kilometers passed by, so did the time of day, bringing the sun higher in the sky making it hotter on the course. With heat comes perspiration, and with perspiration comes dehydration. A strange thing happens when you run far, you can feel on top of the world and in a flash, something changes and you feel like you might not make it. That happened to me around 16k. I came around a corner, smiling and feeling great and by the time I had run 100 meters in the new direction, I was feeling, a bit lightheaded and chilled, my legs were heavy and I was dying for a drink. I spotted a guy in front of me with a water belt on and I was considering whether I could lift a container without him noticing. I further considered just asking him for one, counting on the idea of a running brotherhood and no runner wanting to see another suffer, but I didn't. I saw spectators with bottles of water. I considered snatching one form their hands as I ran by(I once did that with a bottle of beer, to an unsuspecting dude in a bar). I didn't do that either. Obviously I was not desperate enough for a drink, as I did not lower myself to stealing from my fellow man, but water was all I could think about.

At 17k there was a water station and I didn't care how long it took, I stood in line for a second cup.

The symptoms of dehydration do not just recede with a cup or two of water, so I still felt heavy and chilled, thankfully there was no nausea, so I knew I would be fine. The 19k mark offered another chance to hydrate, and the line up situation there was even more pitiful. The volunteers had by passed filling the giant bucket with water and scooping from it, to filling cups directly from the hose!

I finished the race with a time that is far from my best, but given my training stage, the lack of pressure I put on myself to perform and the hold ups at the hydration stations, I accept my results humbly.

What I have learned is that I will be wearing that stupid belt whether I am taking it easy or running hard.

I have handled the constant crave for alcohol, but I can't handle wanting water and not having it.

Confession Time...

 I have a confession to make.

First let me reassure you that this confession does not involve an admission of a drunken relapse, consisting of a night or two of partying with my former bff, Alexander Keith. It might be worse than that...

Hold on to your (free from the last race) running hat and promise me you will read on for a full explanation after I drop the bomb! Place your left hand on your running shoes and swear to me that you will not judge me until you have read my last word!

At the end of March I began working with a running coach. My objective in putting him in charge of my training was mostly to find a better way to train. I found that I didnt have enough physical power to support my will, perseverance and desire to be better. I also have very little patience for taking the long way to my goals. These pesky realities have served me injury, after injury on a silver platter, and there is no glass of wine to wash them down with.

Injuries halt progress and leave you starting over, which takes time and I already mentioned, I dont have the patience for that. I am sober because I run, so when I am sidelined, I get anxious that my old coping strategies (which consisted of beer) are only a twist top away. The sooner I can run the better I feel.


My coach, Greg, made a lengthy assessment of everything about me that related to running. When he came up with the plan, he cautioned me more than once that I needed to focus on my long term goals and be smart about my workouts (I'm getting close to the confession). This is where Greg presented me with the schedule and explanation of what I would be doing for the coming weeks.

Since the end of March I have been running using the heart rate approach developed by Phil Maffetone known as Maximum Aerobic Function or MAF training. This means I have been running with a heart rate monitor and I am stricken to maintain my heart rate to 135 beats/min.  Please repeat that sentence to yourself and let it sink in, take a drink if you need to and please have one for me too. Can you imagine how slowly I am running? I can't even crack 7km in 60mins. Take a moment and let that resonate...

Let me help you understand. I got passed by a walker, the other day. My Grandma can run faster than me right now. A crawling baby could lap me.

I have spent time encouraging others to run. I advise anyone that holds the belief that being slow is a bad thing, that it doesnt matter how fast you go, it just matters that you go. I have authored blog posts that in black and white outline my ideas that its not important how long it takes to run anywhere, just run. Here's the confession...

I am a  big, giant, lousy HYPOCRITE.

I believe that speed doesn't matter...for everyone else. I apparently don't hold myself accountable to that mantra. The day the white haired lady with the obvious double knee replacements and the "let's get physical" sweatband overtook me, I will be honest and say I picked up the pace despite my nagging Garmin alerting me that my heart rate was over the limit. In that moment, I let my pride win and left the oldie in my dust.

 The people in my neighborhood are aware that I run and that I like to race. Many of them have been curious enough at times to ask me what I do and how I do it. They seem to think I am awesome and amazing for doing all the running I do. These days, when I am approaching their yards and I see them out working away, I have to pick up the pace as I pass by because I don't want them to reconsider their previous assessment of my awesomeness. I am embarrassed to be seen running so slowly.

Lastly, I have found it impossible to run at a snail's pace when I am passing by a construction site. Enough said on that one.

There is extreme value in the training I am doing and that is why I continue doing what Greg has palnned for me, beyond these little incidents of ego driven disobedience. Along with the MAF running I have been doing, strength and flexibility excercises and cross training fill the rest of the plan. I am rebuilding to be stronger, faster and more patient for the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon in October.

I am very happy I chose to work with Greg. In June, he assures me the speed work will begin, in which case I may wish for the days of the slow easy run.

In summary, it's okay for you to run slowly, as long as you are up off your couch and running, how far and how fast are unimportant. No one looks at you and thinks any thing other than, "good for her/him". Unfortunately, I am having a hard go off accepting my own advice.

Aha! This is who I was meant to be...

A little more than two years ago I was struggling to live day to day without a blood alcohol level. I didn't know who I was without a beer in my hand or a bottle of wine breathing on the counter. The early days of sobriety were highlighted by physical and emotional challenges.

Physically I experienced mood swings (i was a bitch), insomnia (thank goodness for Netflix), tremors (same as I would with a hangover) and a relentless preoccupation with alcohol (did that server just ask if I'd like something form the bar?). Many of those uncomfortable symptoms of detoxification were treatable with beer...however that wasn't the plan, so a bit of Valium served as a replacement (that's another story).

Retrospectively, I would identify the emotional upheaval I experienced as the most difficult part of choosing sobriety. I had an identity crisis. I doubted that there was a place for me in the world without alcohol. My friends drank and the social circles I travelled in were rooted in alcohol. My distorted perception of what a good life was, lead me to believe that as a sober girl, I would never have fun again.

Last Sunday I ran the Toronto Yonge Street 10k race and it was better than fun. It was rewarding and inspiring. Running my a** off has replaced partying my a** off (true story) and I am having a blast. There are the obvious rewards like feeling great physically and mentally, but I have also happened upon a few things about my new life that I did not expect.

Over the eight week period leading up to TYS10k, I was part of a circle of people, gathered by Canada Running Series, known as #digitalchampions. We were given the task of blogging and tweeting about the upcoming race. My first reaction after being invited to be a #digitalchampion was disbelief. I thought they were confused about who I was. I am not a decorated champion runner. I don't hang out with elite athletes. Jenna Pettinato at CRS assured me that they were right in choosing me.

It would seem that they remembered a post I made when I was a contestant in the blog contest hosted by irun.ca. My post highlighted my experience at the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon (half marathon) in 2012 www.irun.ca/blog/index.php/strength-at-stwm. Once it was confirmed that there was no mistake, I began to enjoy tweeting and blogging about the upcoming event.

Last Sunday I dragged 2 friends and my husband along to the race. My husband is always race support as the farthest he runs is the distance between bases, and @TamaraConroy3 and @PaulaVollick were just lucky enough to get conned into running with me. We all had great races. The event was well organized and the course was fantastic. You can't beat running down the middle of Yonge Street with thousands of other runners. It is uplifting to hear only the sounds of footsteps hitting the pavement in a place that is usually so full of the sounds of traffic.

I am learning every day that there are so many things that make up who I am. In the early days of giving up the booze, I had no idea that there would be days ahead that were better than being a drunken party girl, but those days are now. The lifestyle I identify with most now, is one of health, fitness and friends who are like minded. I have discovered that I love to write and I love to inspire others. I was ashamed to tell my story at one time, and now I realize that sharing my experience is what has released the burden of shame. I wouldn't give a moment of this up for even a sip Keith's (even though I can imagine how good that would taste). My future and my family's future is so much brighter because of the choice I made to break up with Ernest and Julio Gallo and their friends. I miss those guys, but I am truly better off without them.

Thanks to CRS for giving me the opportunity to digichamp for TYS10k. Your belief that I had something valuable to offer the running community is humbling and empowering.

Notes for Novice Runners from my Running Universe

Dear Novice Runners

I wanted to take some time to pass on some running wisdom. I am not an expert by any stretch, but I have learned a few things and because running keeps me out of the bar, I am always happy to encourage others to  give it a fair shot (not of tequila). Please note that this advice is not in anyway meant to discourage you from running, it is simply meant to help you understand what you can expect from your new athletic endeavor, as I see it.

1) If you want easy, look somewhere else. Running is not easy but that is what makes the reward so fantastic! When you achieve your goal, you can be proud knowing it took everything you had to make it happen. Stick it out.

2) You are, without a doubt going to meet more than one person that calls you "crazy" and says "all that running can't be good for you". Take notice...these will often be the peeps who consider walking to the fridge to grab a beer, exercise. You can offer them a seat on your "crazy" train by asking them to join you for a run, but I bet you a gel pack that they decline.

3) Adopting a barefoot running philosophy is NOT a good way to avoid spending your cash on running sneaks. Buy the shoes. Enough said.

4) You will get mixed running messages from a variety of sources..."listen to your body and don"t push it" vs. "push through the pain, you can do it!". There is a time and a place for both pieces of encouragement. Your challenge is finding out when and where the advice fits the circumstance.

5) In the world of textiles, 100% Cotton is a benchmark of quality. In the world of athletics, it is a bad, bad fabric. Oh yes, it will absorb your sweat...and then it will cling to you like a heavy wet suit. Now, go forth better appreciating the need for those Spandex shorts.

6) A full set of toenails is overrated. Don't be ashamed of your feet. You have earned every blister, callous and blackened or non existent toenail on them. As my daughter, Tilley advises me, I will advise you...wear them like trophies, they are reminders of your hard work.

7) It is not the end of the world if your children don't share your desire to run.They may not decide to follow in your running shoes and commit to heading out the door, but they will be aware of your dedication and if demonstrated consistently, they will absorb the message.

8) Races are for runners of all abilities. If the word "race" bothers you, refer to it as an "event". Only a handful of participants are there to try and win, and of those people, only one will cross the  finish line first. There! I just took the pressure off of you. Go experience the thrill of saying you did it. Go feel the lift you get from strangers cheering you on. People in worse shape than you with concerns greater than your own do it, so why not you.

9) If you are not walking, then you are a runner! Stop calling yourself a jogger. Jogging is lame. Saying you are a runner commits you to behaving like a runner. Erase the the word "jogger" from your vocabulary. It doesn't matter if a sloth could pass you, you are still a runner. Pace has nothing to do with categorizing your effort.

10) The things I say don't really matter if they don't resonate with you. If they are meaningful to you and your development, then pass them along to someone else that may may need them.

Yours truly and still sober,

Christa