Taking Inventory and Finding the Meaning of Life

With less than two weeks left before I run my first marathon, I am counting my blessings.

Alone, but not lonely

Running gives me ample time to think, and to be alone with my thoughts. When I am alone with my thoughts, I am quiet (those that know me will testify that this is rare). When I am quiet, I am aware of a lifetime of experiences and people. When I pay attention to my thoughts and memories, I become overwhelmingly grateful for every step I take and every step or mis-step I have taken. While I run, even the mis-steps lend meaning to the woman I have become. I can forgive myself and others and I can appreciate that all of it has importance; that all things had to be the way they were in order for things to be the way they are.

When I head out the door on any run, the first 3-4 kilometers usually feels less than great, so right away I find that my mind has to find something else to think about. If I can preoccupy my brain for 20 minutes or so, I can get warmed up without focusing on every little detail that doesn't feel right. Like all things, practice makes perfect and this is no different. For months I  have practiced thinking about the weather, the trees, the birds and the people that have come, gone and stayed.

I think about my childhood best friend Tara Murphy and the fun we used to have, all while being tied to each other's hip.From that friendship I learned that connection made me confident. There was at least one person in the world that thought of much of me as I did of her and it didn't really matter if no one else liked me.

Beautiful countryside

Mrs. Jeremy was my grade eight teacher and she taught me that I could do math (she was a smart lady and right about a lot of things, but I still don't really 'get it' when it comes to math). I think about how frustrating it must have been to teach me algebra and that I really should thank her. Unfortunately, she died not long ago.

My Grandma Betty lands in my thoughts. She has always been there for me which is why I try to excuse the moments she tells me she doesn't like my hair or my cooking, or I'm gonna have a heart attack from all that running or I don't pay enough attention to her since I got that new job. I will always be there for her, it's just not always by her agenda which has made me realize that 'No' is a perfectly acceptable answer when it comes to making myself happy.

I always think about my Mom. Many things have shaped me, but none of them have been as impactful as my Mom. I am all the things I am because of her. The longer I live, the more people tell me how much I am like her. She never believed she was beautiful or smart or talented or strong, yet those are the things that I am. How did she teach me those things and not believe them of herself. I like to imagine that if she had lived longer, she would have seen herself in me, as others do and maybe she would have believed she was those things too.

When I run, I take stock of what people mean to me. I am content with the people who have come into my life and have gone for one reason or another, just as I am with those who have stuck around. We aren't all meant to play the lead role, sometimes we have supporting roles, and sometimes we are walk-ons or extras, but it's all worthy and worthwhile. These things are so clear to me once I get my mind off my IT band or my tight calf.

Through running, I have uncovered the meaning of life for me and it is "connection".
If you have touched my life, whether it has been in a starring role or as an extra, you are valuable to me. I can say this because I have spent many hours and kilometers taking inventory of my relationships and without them I have nothing worth remembering. Any event I can think of simultaneously brings to mind the person I shared that moment with.

October 20th and the Scotia Toronto Waterfront Marathon is fast approaching, yet it won't hurry up and get here. On that day, think of me, running my first of many marathons as I will no doubt
be thinking of you :)

You can also watch a live stream of the race starting at 0815 on October 20
www.stwm.ca and click on CBC

Runnin' the roads...on empty (still)

This is a functional post to explain my blogging absence...

Where have I been? What have I been doing?

For those of you who have feared the worst and imagined me drunk on an island, imprisoned by the tempestuous effects of my former love, Alexander Keith, lift your heads and rest your hearts. I have not returned to that destructive relationship. I am as sober as when we last met.
and
No, the cause of my absence has not been a torrid and impassioned affair with the nectar of the Gods. While I continue to mourn the absence of a good stiff drink, it's not in the same desperate way that it once was. The deep sense of loss I felt over giving up the hooch continues to be replaced by the sense of accomplishment and pride I get from running. It has actually been the running that has kept me from putting pen to paper.

The days, weeks and months have passed, as they always do, the difference is the time has been used for good and not evil. I have made good use of the time that has lapsed since my last post. In May I shared a post  that highlighted the new coaching relationship I was involved in, which at the time had me running around my neighborhood slower than my Grandma as we made use of heart rate training. That approach served me well.

In June I began the marathon training schedule that my coach took great care to create. The plan focused on making Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon my 'A' race and getting me there injury free. As the spring turned to summer the weekly kilometers built and with that came a bigger time commitment. Between running, cross training, strength training, foam rolling and stretching I put in between 8-12 hours on top of my full time job and family responsibilities.

These 8-12 hours have been well spent and still fall short of the weekly drinking time card I used to punch. Spending this time in my running shoes has kept me from sitting at a computer. There you have it! This is where I have been all summer...out running the roads, for real.

My "Aha" Moment(s)

I am honored to be a part of the Fit Approach team as a #sweatpink ambassador. The following is a link to the blog post I created, highlighting the moments when things began to take a turn toward sobriety and an active lifestyle.

Check it out. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Christa :)

http://www.fitapproach.com/2013/06/i-got-it-and-found-my-happiness/

Running & Fundraising for Asperger's Society Of Ontario at STWM

Six weeks ago our nine year old daughter Tilley was diagnosed with high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder. For years we knew that our child was different than her peers, but there always seemed to be an excuse as to why. At a very young age, we recognized that intellectually, Tilley was more advanced than those her age, but she struggled with social norms. In Kindergarten, she could spell and read better than children three grades ahead of her, but she couldn’t handle waiting her turn to play. She could work numbers as well as kids much older than her, but had a meltdown if her pencil broke.

Our home was filled with unhappiness and frustration as we tried to move from one day to the next hoping to avoid anything that might cause Tilley to have a meltdown. Our morning could be going fine until something as simple as a drop of apple juice spilled on her clothes at which point she would strip down (often right as we were trying to go out the door) and begin rolling on the floor crying. When this happened, it could take 20-30 minutes to get her to calm down. Most times once she “snapped” out of it, she behaved as nothing had happened.

Over time, we became familiar with the types of things that would set her off, and as such, we became very good at micro managing her life. The biggest glitch in that plan was that we couldn’t control everything on her behalf as a large portion of her day was spent at school. At school, there were teachers that tried to understand and help her and there were those who often made things worse. She has always referred to them as either “warm fuzzies” or “cold pricklies” and to be honest, I have always agreed with her assessment of her teachers. Kids know a decent adult when they meet one.

When she was diagnosed, we were not surprised. We had exhausted every possibility for her “quirky” behaviours ranging from “she’s gifted” to “she’s spoiled” to “she’s a perfectionist”. The diagnosis actually was a relief because we had a direction to move in to try and help her and our family heal.   

In the first few days after the diagnosis we began to see that there were many agencies and organizations available to help us help her. Tilley’s diagnosis of high functioning ASD is also sometimes known as Asperger’s Syndrome; at least this is what we identify with. This is why I have chosen to fundraise on behalf of Asperger’s Society of Ontario at the Scotiabank Toronto Waterfront Marathon.

This organization in particular requires our attention and support as they do not receive government funding for the support they provide. The STWM is one of their biggest opportunities to raise funds to help them provide services and I have committed to fundraising on their behalf.

Running is a great way to fundraise as most people are willing to donate their money as long as you are the one doing the running. “Take my money; just don’t ask me to run”. I am so excited to be tackling my first marathon at STWM and to be aligned with ASO.

When I last communicated with Alexandra at ASO, she indicated that a pressing issue on their agenda was a meeting space that was affordable and accessible. If you have space like this please contact her.

Please help me to help them continue to help people like my sweet Tilley, by registering for the STWM and fundraising or by donating to my effort. This is something I CAN do.

Sponsor me here: http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1906769&langPref=en-CA&Referrer=direct%2fnone

Register to run: http://www.torontowaterfrontmarathon.com/en/register.htm

For more information about ASO: www.aspergers.ca

Follow me on twitter @christadavidson

Blog: www.runninonempties.blogspot.ca