Reminiscing...and looking forward

On January 15 I will celebrate 3 years of hard earned sobriety. Appreciating this milestone lead me to evaluate my life and how different it is and how different I am.

There are many things about drinking that I really miss, like the sound the cork makes when it is pulled from the wine bottle or the hiss that escapes the beer bottle when the cap is twisted. I miss the warmth in my belly that errupts following a bigger than proper sip of wine. I miss the cardboard boxy smell of the liquor store. 

I have remained faithful to my commitment to sobriety because the life I enjoy now is a more peaceful existence then the life I lived as an active alcoholic. The largest part of the new peace I enjoy is fueled by my love of running. My desire to run and be the best I can be is bigger and stronger than my desire to drink.

I have created a place in the world among people as a runner. I run and I blog a bit and as such, I have been welcomed into a digital world of positive, productive runners. I am grateful I have found what works for me and I am thankful to those who have helped me find a place where I can continue to build a healthy life. Thanks to iRun and Canada Running Series for believing in me.

The following is a link to the first blog post I wrote for last year's iRun Running Blog Idol Contest. This contest helped me realize that I was good at writing and running. 

http://www.irun.ca/blog/index.php/runnin-on-empties/

Canada Running Series has also had a big impact on my sobriety. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to be invited, again, to be a Digital Champion for the Yonge Street 10k. I can't wait to run down the middle of Yonge Street on April 14 2014. Join me! Let me know when you register. Follow the buzz on twitter using #TYS10k.

http://www.canadarunningseries.com/toronto10k/tys10kDCHAMPS.htm

Shamed and Blushing

Me: "...so how long before I can run? I was thinking I would take a week off."

Surgeon: <laughing...really hard> "A week? Who told you that? Did you read that on Google?"

Last week I had an Abdominal Hernia Repair. A tiny bit of my insides seemed to have worked their way where they did not belong and I was foolish enough to mention this to my doctor earlier this year.

Foolish, I say, because now, I sit with eight weeks recovery time.
 No running.
 I can walk, but who does that?
 I am a runner.
 I run...but not for eight weeks.

I went to see my doctor in the spring because I suspected I had a stomach ulcer. During this appointment I happened to say "by the way, what do you think of this?".

"This" happened to be a small lump about halfway between my sternum and my navel. "This" had been there for several years and was the culprit of a small amount of discomfort when I poked at it. During  "its" lifespan, I just decided not to poke at it and we could co-exist with minimal fuss. No reason to disclose "its" presence to said physician.
When I outed my little lumpy friend, it was in haste. If truth be told (and why not, I have uttered grander truths than this via this medium), I was trying to distract my doctor from the lecture that was building.
I noted the way he cocked his head and gave it a shake as he inhaled deeply. The worst part of the pending lecture or "health teaching" was that I knew exactly what he was going to say.

I am a runner and as such, I have well earned aches and pains. These aches and pains are typically staid by the use of ibuprofen, a wonderful over the counter anti-inflammatory. This miracle medicine reduces inflammation caused by too many kilometers, thereby reducing the pain that is associated with the inflammation. The caution to ibuprofen is that it can be hard on the stomach lining, risking the development of a lesion or hole in the lining, also known as an ulcer...<insert a bit of blushing>

With weeks of stomach discomfort climaxing to a middle of the night attack of severe pain and the taste of blood in my mouth, I went to see my doctor.
He listened to my complaints with concern and felt as though my self diagnosis of a stomach ulcer was probably not the issue, as I had no risk for the development of one...until he muttered, almost to himself and waved his hand dismissively,

"It's not like you are taking anti-inflammatorys for any reason. That would be the only risk someone with your good health would have."

Me:  <with hesitation> "Well...actually I do use a fair bit of ibuprofen to ease my running aches <voice trailing off in shame>.

So there it was, the more than likely, self imposed source of my problem. I gave up beer to become an Advil addict! As the lecture began, (which was made worse by the fact that I am a Nurse and know better),
 I skillfully steered the exam to my abdomen and its pet lump.

Doctor: <with surprise> "How long has this been here?"

Me: <with mission accomplished relief> "Oh, I don't know a few years..."

So, with that smooth transition from one complaint to another, I ended up under the scrutiny of a Surgeon who was decidedly more concerned about the hernia than the ulcer.

The ulcer healed without intervention. I committed to cleaning up my Advil habit and as I put the bottle of pills in a cupboard, out of sight, I noticed that the bottle said "extra strength". I looked closer and realized that I had been taking two of these pills at a time, instead of one. Like a good addict, I reasoned that I could probably still take this medication, if needed, as the problem was not likely the result of the medication itself, but my improper dosing! Addicts can always rationalize their use.

I am happy to share that I am not only sober, but I am clean and free of the anti-inflammatorys as well.

As I sit and write, I am one week post-op, with seven more weeks to heal, all because I couldn't take the heat of a lecture!

Stay tuned for the painfully, inactive weeks to come.

15 mins of Fame and a Good Party

Always at a party with a drink in my hand

In retrospect, I am not clear on how being a recovering piss tank, like myself garners the attention it has over the past year. I always thought that I was well liked and popular as a drunk girl, but never in my wildest dreams would I have believed that the same could be true as a sober girl.

When I initially quit boozing, I thought all the good times had rolled and I was left with a life that I didn't know how to live. I thought that a sober life meant I was doomed to a serious, grown up, no nonsense, lack luster existence. For much of my drinking career, I didn't just drink, I partied, which meant socializing. I love people, all kinds of people and the more the merrier. Without a Keith's in my hand (man I miss that), there was no party (I miss that too), no friends and no identity.

I spent the first five months of my sober life, off work, healing, repairing and getting stronger. Not only were the party people absent from my life, but so was the social network that comes from a workplace. There were a few friends and family that knew what I was going through, but it had been my choice to be private about my unhealthy relationship with alcohol and subsequently conceal our estrangement. This decision was made out of shame, vulnerability and fear of judgement and these feelings and perceptions came from an unhealthy mind. I realize now, that had I given others a chance to support me, many would have. I have no regrets though, it was right for me at the time to be isolated despite my previous penchant for social interaction.

Always at a party with a drink in my hand

Me and my Dad...the drink is close by

I lived the first 20 months of my sober life avoiding parties, weddings, and celebrations because my break up with Captain Morgan was not public information and if I was at such events and not drinking, people were likely to suspect something. At the time, I thought it would have been more plausible for people to surmise that I was pregnant than to assume I had quit drinking, because I was typically very committed to drinking a lot and often. I also found it easier to steer clear of these gathering because I just didn't trust that I wouldn't forget that I gave up drinking and slug back a pint before I could catch myself. That kind of thing happened all the time in my weird dreams and still does sometimes.

Me, my G-ma and my Aunt and the wine

It was during the first 4 months of being dry that I started running again. I have written before about how valuable running was as a tool and an outlet for my shame and grief, but I never imagined that it would become my new invitation to an entirely different party. It gave me a ticket to a way to socialize and be
accepted without a drink in my hand (well, maybe a Vega recovery drink).

I firmly believe in timing and at the right time, iRun magazine ran a contest called Running Blog Idol 2.0.

I felt ready to share my story about running and sobriety, so I submitted some samples to the contest and I was chosen as a finalist. The blog posts went live in September 2012 and my carefully protected secret was in black and white on the world wide web for people to read about and pass judgement upon. I was nervous (nearly threw up several times the day it was posted) and I avoided all social media that day in fear of  what people were saying. Writing about my experience turned out to be almost as cathartic as running and the response began to make me feel less isolated. The response was supportive and I felt safe sharing my thoughts and actually began to feel proud of my strength.

First Half Marathon...coffee in my hand

The contest closed December 31, 2012 and within in a few days I learned that I was not the winner, I was disappointed and lost. I had been a part of something that felt great and it didn't involve shots of tequila. I had virtual friends that I had things in common with that had nothing to do with trips to the LCBO. More importantly, I connected with people that had story's of their own that sounded similar to mine. I was more than a bit depressed to have to let go of that opportunity. The experience ended up being about so much more than a writing contest.

Again, timing became my savior as I woke one morning in late January or early February to a twitter message from Canada Running Series (CRS) asking me to message them. This turned out to be another open door for me to belong and feel a part of something. I was offered the chance to work with CRS as a Digital Champion for the Yonge Street 10k. This involved a group of us blogging and tweeting about the race, our training, preparation and goals. It was great for CRS, but I don't think Race Director Alan Brookes or Social Media Specialist Jenna Petinatto had any idea that it was even greater for me.

TYS10k Andrew Chak, Me and Chris Doyle

That experience blossomed into the chance to do the same thing for the Scotia Toronto Waterfront Marathon. Since May, I have been a part of the greatest group of people I have ever known. These people have accomplished so much through running and didn't care that I may have spent too much time drinking a little too much, in the past. They didn't care that I had never run a marathon before and they certainly didn't care that they had never actually met me. Within this social network, I found acceptance. The only thing that mattered and was asked often was 'how was your run today?" The Digital Champions became my new social outlet and my new party. Even as I ran most of my training runs alone, I knew these people were behind me. CRS had given me the task of motivating and encouraging other runners through social media, but what I found was that I got way more support than I ever dished out.

LtoR: @mirandamac, @stevewlayton, @mikepgww, me, @ultramyron, @alexflint

On Sunday October 20, we ran that marathon that we tweeted and Facebook-ed about for months. I ran that marathon with the help of CRS, the 2013 STWM Digital Champions and the #STWM running community. It is one of the highlights of my life! I believed I couldn't do it because in the past I always seemed to come up injured during the training and couldn't run the race. But I did do it and some of it felt really bad; worse than a terrible hangover. In those fragile moments of discomfort, there was only once that I considered giving up and that was the moment atop an overpass at about 35k, where I considered jumping to end my misery. The thought was brief and passed quickly and was likely a by product of temporary loss of reason due to fatigue and low blood sugar. I carried on and finished that sucker off much slower than initially planned, but that doesn't really matter. It matters that I did it and 2 days later was thinking, "I can do better.When's the next race?".

Now, this party, too has run its' course. I have gained the unwavering support of a fabulous on-line running community and I have my first of many marathon finishes under my hydration belt. I have friends that have healthy lifestyle habits in common with me and who are eager to plot the next running adventure (which looks like it's going to be Around the Bay for many). I no longer feel isolated and alone with my alcohol issue, in fact it is less of an issue all the time. It will always be a part of me, but I am learning that it will not always be all of me. I am many more things than a recovering drunk. This experience has finally allowed me to let go of some of that image of myself and has let me begin to replace it with the image of a marathon runner that chooses to treat her body and health with respect. This new life is so far from my original fear of sober living. It is anything but boring and lack luster. I just ran 42.2 frigging kilometers. If that's not a shiny and exciting enough existence for me, than I am gonna have to bedazzle the crap out of it, because it is a hell of a lot more glorious than drunk hair, smudged eyeliner and my face in a toilet bowl!

Thank you for being a part of my story and of my 15 minutes of fame. Each of you means much more to me than you will ever know:
@jennapettinato
@alnbrookes
@torontofitmom
@mikepgww
@ultramyron
@tinabelinda
@the_real_alyssa
@stevewlayton
@alexflint
@chrisdoyle
@westcoastyogi
@stephaniemcaulay
@zepphead
@mirandamac
@10kmom
@liztrenton
@marathoner514
@runkino
@andiethefitgeek
@platinumevents
and the rest of the #STWM running community!!

Taking Inventory and Finding the Meaning of Life

With less than two weeks left before I run my first marathon, I am counting my blessings.

Alone, but not lonely

Running gives me ample time to think, and to be alone with my thoughts. When I am alone with my thoughts, I am quiet (those that know me will testify that this is rare). When I am quiet, I am aware of a lifetime of experiences and people. When I pay attention to my thoughts and memories, I become overwhelmingly grateful for every step I take and every step or mis-step I have taken. While I run, even the mis-steps lend meaning to the woman I have become. I can forgive myself and others and I can appreciate that all of it has importance; that all things had to be the way they were in order for things to be the way they are.

When I head out the door on any run, the first 3-4 kilometers usually feels less than great, so right away I find that my mind has to find something else to think about. If I can preoccupy my brain for 20 minutes or so, I can get warmed up without focusing on every little detail that doesn't feel right. Like all things, practice makes perfect and this is no different. For months I  have practiced thinking about the weather, the trees, the birds and the people that have come, gone and stayed.

I think about my childhood best friend Tara Murphy and the fun we used to have, all while being tied to each other's hip.From that friendship I learned that connection made me confident. There was at least one person in the world that thought of much of me as I did of her and it didn't really matter if no one else liked me.

Beautiful countryside

Mrs. Jeremy was my grade eight teacher and she taught me that I could do math (she was a smart lady and right about a lot of things, but I still don't really 'get it' when it comes to math). I think about how frustrating it must have been to teach me algebra and that I really should thank her. Unfortunately, she died not long ago.

My Grandma Betty lands in my thoughts. She has always been there for me which is why I try to excuse the moments she tells me she doesn't like my hair or my cooking, or I'm gonna have a heart attack from all that running or I don't pay enough attention to her since I got that new job. I will always be there for her, it's just not always by her agenda which has made me realize that 'No' is a perfectly acceptable answer when it comes to making myself happy.

I always think about my Mom. Many things have shaped me, but none of them have been as impactful as my Mom. I am all the things I am because of her. The longer I live, the more people tell me how much I am like her. She never believed she was beautiful or smart or talented or strong, yet those are the things that I am. How did she teach me those things and not believe them of herself. I like to imagine that if she had lived longer, she would have seen herself in me, as others do and maybe she would have believed she was those things too.

When I run, I take stock of what people mean to me. I am content with the people who have come into my life and have gone for one reason or another, just as I am with those who have stuck around. We aren't all meant to play the lead role, sometimes we have supporting roles, and sometimes we are walk-ons or extras, but it's all worthy and worthwhile. These things are so clear to me once I get my mind off my IT band or my tight calf.

Through running, I have uncovered the meaning of life for me and it is "connection".
If you have touched my life, whether it has been in a starring role or as an extra, you are valuable to me. I can say this because I have spent many hours and kilometers taking inventory of my relationships and without them I have nothing worth remembering. Any event I can think of simultaneously brings to mind the person I shared that moment with.

October 20th and the Scotia Toronto Waterfront Marathon is fast approaching, yet it won't hurry up and get here. On that day, think of me, running my first of many marathons as I will no doubt
be thinking of you :)

You can also watch a live stream of the race starting at 0815 on October 20
www.stwm.ca and click on CBC