Thursday, December 31, 2015

Don't be Pressured by a Date Change

Watching the 2015 retrospection of blog posts, picture collages and status updates made me question:

 What do I have to say that isn't just noise?

This is what I came up with...

The calendar will change to a new day, month and year or maybe already has as you read this. Traditionally this is a time of reflection and resolution. It's the end of one year and the beginning of another. Naturally people feel hopeful about what lies ahead and may even resolve to be different, to do differently. The world celebrates a new calendar year with parties, tributes and fireworks. It's a big deal.

The noise I am adding to the atmosphere goes against the grain because it's where I am at. I post when I have something to say, so today, this is what I have to say even though it will be wildly unpopular.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Fighting to Stay at ' 5 '

This time of year sees many of us looking back over the last 12 months and celebrating and/or lamenting our gains and losses. Most of my year was a struggle physically and emotionally. I have been low and I have been high. There have been many things that I am grateful for but somehow these things managed to be book-ended by injury and depression. Most of this year has felt like a balancing act. Slowly I have made my way, one foot in front of the other with arms lifted straight out at my sides to keep from falling over the edge. The motto this year has been 'no sudden movements'. I knew if I didn't make any abrupt or spontaneous decisions that I could avoid causing too much damage.
At STWM 2015 photo Edison Yao

If I seemed different or unlike myself this year, I was...I am. I have felt like a shadow of myself, dark and hollow. I tried to go through the motions, to 'act' like myself and some days it worked and others it didn't. I am inside myself and I find it hard to get out of me. It takes a lot of effort to stay right where I am and not get any lower. If the best version of me is a '10' then most of this year I have been a '5' at best and a '3' at worst. I am fighting to be a '5'.

Friday, October 16, 2015

I Shouldn't Even...But I Will

Well here it is, marathon weekend in Toronto.

Most of this year has been a running struggle. My body has felt tired and weak. I haven't been able to stay clear of aches, pains and strains. It felt like each time I began to feel strong again, something would resurface or something new would present.
The acute Achilles tendon injury I experienced in the Spring has gotten better but left over is bilateral Achilles tendinitis that bothers me all of the time and I just live with it and run with it as I haven't taken the down time to let it heal.
My hips, the right side especially, are achy and sore and stiff much of the time. The odd day, after physio they feel better but after a day or two the pain creeps back.
My left calf bugs me off and on. There's a strain in there but it, like my other complaints, irritates me enough to be uncomfortable but doesn't worsen with running, so I have carried on.

Friday, September 18, 2015

Magic Mike

This post was originally published on the iRun website November 2012.
I thought it deserved another look today, as Mike and I celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.
Because I am a strong, empowered woman, I could live without him, but I wouldn't want to have to.
Love is not measured in affirmations of not being able to live without someone, it's about who you are with someone. I might be fine in the world without Mike but I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I like who I am with Mike by my side.

My husband, Mike has tolerated my shenanigans for 18 years. Someone, somewhere should give him an award because even sober, I am a handful. He has endured much over the years, and in the moment, it would seem as though he is irritated, annoyed or unimpressed with my latest scheme, but I think in general, he likes my creative approach to life.
Mike met me drunk, in a bar... <shrugs shoulders> what can I say; it was the beginning of a theme.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

At the Zoo

Canada Running Series, as an organization has been a friend to me and from that relationship I have been blessed with several other individual friendships. It is true and not just lip service when I say, as the years have passed I have been made to feel like family.
Jenna of CRS and I at Party Site

I have the best imaginable relationship with CRS. It's like being a second cousin who lives far away. Second cousins (especially ones who live out of town) are removed from the day to day activities and stresses that the nuclear family navigates. The core of the family collaborates, negotiates, plans and hosts events. The extended family (if kept in good graces), gets invited to the celebrations and delights in the execution of all the planning.

Friday, September 11, 2015

For Whom The Bell Tolls

It keeps time with my foot falls, never silent, never still, as long as I just don't stop.

It mirrors my cadence; keeps measure with my steps, never faster, never slower. 

It sounds steady, consistent and true, like a heartbeat of sorts.

When I begin to hurt and unravel and the cracks of doubt begin to widen, its persistence reels me back.

If I just don't stop, its measure is with me, softly comforting me, refocusing me, distracting me, encouraging me, like it's her voice.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

How Mary Kay Will Help Me BQ

Cleanser, moisturizer? Foundation, concealer? Perfume, cologne?
I used to be a Mary Kay Consultant...Yes, I was, for realzzz, no joke.
The bizarre part of being involved in the MK culture was that it was a 'dry' society, as in alcohol free and at the time I was anything but an abstainer.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

I Don't Need Easy

How do I know it's real?

I know it is in my blood, my bones and my breath because I can't sleep and when I finally do drift off, the moment I wake, it is my first thought. I am afflicted with it; infected by it.
This is how I know it will happen.
I don't need easy; I just need do-able

It is a fine thing to be a dreamer; to have wistful thoughts of what might happen someday. We have to have dreams, otherwise what's the point of anything we do. We need to believe that there are possibilities for us that speak to our hearts. 
As I said, dreams are fine and for 2 years I have dreamed of qualifying for the Boston Marathon.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Goodbye My Friend

"Can I put you on hold for a minute?" the receptionist asked.

What came out of my mouth was,


but what my mind screamed was,

"NO! No, you can't put me on hold! It has taken me months to make this phone call and if you put me on hold now, I might hang up. Please just talk to me now. Please don't give me time to reconsider, please!"

"Hi? Christa? Sorry to keep you waiting. Yes, we have an appointment available on Friday at 4:20pm with Dr.______. Would that work for you and your family? We were also wondering if you had thought about aftercare? Would you like to take Ollie home with you after or have his body cremated?"

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Alone together

Around the Bay 2015

Running is a solo sport no matter how many people are on your team or in your crew or group. People will argue this idea but at it's most basic form, running consists of putting one foot in front of the other and no one on your team can do that for you.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

How deep is your bravery buried?

Today I was texting with my lifelong friend, Paula and our conversation was about risk taking. She said to me,
Alone at my hotel

 'Yes, but you are brave and I am not.'

...when I read that, it stopped me and made me think...

I told her that she was brave too; her bravery was just buried a bit deeper within her than mine. I thought some more...

Monday, January 19, 2015

Outrunning Guilt; 4 Sober Years

Our action or inaction can set in motion a cascade of negative internal feelings; one of which is guilt.
In my experience, guilt is a currency used to pay for our transgressions and time determines when the debt is paid in full.

We feel guilty for as long as we are meant to in order to pay off the debt of our choices. The length of time we feel guilty is a measure of how significant the breech is. A slight misstep produces short lived guilt and the debt is paid but a trip and fall event will see guilty thoughts and feelings linger longer before the books are balanced.