Monday, February 17, 2014

Authenticity

Somewhere along the road, during the past 18 months I have drifted away from my authentic self when I write. I began blogging by throwing all my sh*t out on the table for the world to judge, dissect, embrace or dismiss. Initially, I cared a bit about who thought what, but I didn't do it for the approval or rejection of others. I did it as therapy for myself.
I needed to record my journey, to let it out so I didn't explode from harboring it, and the guilt that it fertilized.My writing and sharing has become less genuine, as I once again, fall into the trap of  telling people what I think they want to hear.

I write about being sober and running and I make it seem like 'I got this'. Some days I do, but many days I don't and I am not sharing that part like I should. My writing has been glossing over the hard stuff, because I don't want anyone to think I am at any great risk of relapse. I know that by sheer way of being an alcoholic, I am forever at risk, but I still don't want others to worry about, so I don't get into the nitty gritty of how I don't really have it together, sometimes.

Running is a great distraction and sobriety magnet when I am doing it, but when I can't run, things get tough pretty damn fast. I don't have a back up plan either. I don't really talk to any one about it. My husband can see when I am struggling, but I don't share much of the pain with him, for the same reason I have gotten away from genuinely sharing on my blog..."who the heck wants to hear it?!".

What if I said, "Man, I am having a tough time holding this sh*t together? Would you suck air in quickly and say "I'm not interested in a girl that is weak."---unfollow---
What if I relapsed right now?  Would you say "Wow, she's not as together as I thought"---unfollow---
Or maybe today is the day you ---unfollow--- because I am having a bit of a pity party.

I have decided that I am not going to write half of my truth anymore. I am going to spill it all, the good, the bad and the down right pitiful. If you are getting off at this stop and no longer want to ride the bus, I will be disappointed, but I understand. It would be disingenuous of me to change my messed up thoughts and feelings to try and make you stay. So if you are sticking around about least until the next stop to see where this takes us, I am grateful for your interest and support.









Stronger

Stronger